


real friends (help you hide the body)

by elegantstupidity



Category: Letterkenny (TV)
Genre: Dialogue Heavy, Friendship, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-14
Updated: 2019-02-14
Packaged: 2019-10-20 20:45:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17629370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elegantstupidity/pseuds/elegantstupidity
Summary: You and your pals were talkin' local crime statistics the other day...





	real friends (help you hide the body)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sanidine](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sanidine/gifts).



“D’ya wanna know what?”

Katy hummed, but didn’t open her eyes. The sun was shining and what was supposed to be a cloudy afternoon might actually shape up into a great day for hay. At least the chorin’ was already done; she didn’t have anywhere to be ’til Jonesy and Reilly picked her up for a drive. Squirrelly Dan and Dary were quiet, too. Not 'cause they'd gone anywhere. No one'd made a move to get on with it in the two hours they'd been manning the farmstand. Plus, she could still hear the shuffle of Dary's gum boots on the grass.

Wayne didn’t actually want an answer anyway. He continued, “I was at the dollar store the other day, and Bonnie McMurray—”

“Bonnie McMurray,” intoned the other three, right on cue and reverent as ever.

“... ‘Kay.” Wayne squinted into the sun, and once he was sure they were all finished, continued, “Bonnie tells me that some degen from upcountry—“

“Fuckin’ degens,” spat Dary.

“Goddamns fuckin’ degens,“ Dan agreed, shaking his head.

“Fuck-ing de-gens,” Katy groaned. Her disdain wasn’t enough to make her sit up or open her eyes, but there was nothing saying she couldn’t tan and shoot the shit all at once.

“Fuckin’ degens, is what I say,” Wayne sagely concurred. “Anyway, some degen from upcountry comes in and bought out the entire shelf of duct tape, plus balin’ twine, garbage bags, and bleach.”

Silence—but for some asshole whose muffler had fallen out no less than four years ago driving by—reigned for a long moment.

“Huh.”

Daryl and Squirrelly Dan echoed Katy with contemplative “Huhs” of their own.

“That’s what I said,” Wayne informed them, taking a swig from his Puppers.

No one said anything else, too busy working through the full implications of that particular shopping trip to chatter.

Of course, the quiet contemplation didn’t last long.

“So, d’you think—“

“I mean, it couldn’t be—“

“Nos ways,” insisted Dan, nearly shouting to be heard over Wayne and Dary’s almost gleeful speculation. “There’s gots to bes some other explanations.”

"Yeah, okay, Dan. Dan, okay. Okay, Dan. Dan, okay," Wayne said, getting a little heated. "What kind of explanation have ya got for buyin' a trunkload of bleach and duct tape? Figure it out," he muttered. Smugly, his arms crossed over his chest.

Dan thought about it for a good minute. "Well," he said, his brow folding in consideration of the mighty calculations taking place in that brain of his. "I suppose you can nevers have too much ducts tape."

"Can confirm," Dary said with a decisive nod. "Taped the mailbox back to its post after the skids knocked it over with baseball bats."

Which, for Katy, raised the question: "Where'd Stewart even get a baseball bat?" 

Dary just shrugged. "His brother's in Little League, isn't he?"

"Oh, yeah. He and Samuels play on the sames team."

Wayne muttered something under his breath, but Katy didn't pay attention. Her mind was still on the bleach and duct tape.

“Okay, so maybe the tape isn't suspicious all alone, but the bleach? The baling twine? Figure it out. Why else would a degen drive all the way down from upcountry if there’s another explanation, though?” Katy demanded, cutting right to the chase. Finally, she sat up, looking around at her brother and friends. “There’s got to be a hundred stores between Letterkenny and wherever the fuck they’re from. Unless…”

Wayne took up her thread, sitting forward and alert. “Unless they were trying not to rouse suspicions upcountry.”

“Well, yeah,” Dary added. “‘Cause that kinda shoppin’s suspicious.”

“So, they’re just gonna rouse suspicions in Letterkenny?”

“It’s a fuckin’ degen, Miss Katy. Can’t says much for a degen’s decision makin’s abilities.”

“Ten-four, good buddy.” Wayne raised his beer in acknowledgment. Katy took a swift swig of her own.

“Now,” Dary said, leaning back in his chair and taking on a philosophical tone, “what’d be real suspicious is if he paid in cash. Did he pay in cash?”

Cocking his head as he thought back, Wayne frowned. Slowly, he replied, “Y’know, Bonnie didn’t say, but it’d have to be cash, wouldn’t it?”

“Well, duh,” Katy sighed, reclining on her lounger again. “No matter what, though, it’s shady.”

“A real Shade Runner.”

“Some Sin-shades O’Connor shit.”

“Mike and Carol Shady.”

“Oh, yeah, the whole damn Shady Bunch,” Wayne agreed.

“Shady-Cat.” Dary giggled, prompting Katy to flick a beer top straight at his forehead

“Real fuckin’ shady,” she said, final.

"That's what a degens does best," Squirrelly Dan said, voicing what the all knew to be true. “Whos can knows what they're gettin' ups to. Maybes its best for us nots to asks too many questions.”

“True,” Katy agreed, a little reluctant.

Dary and Wayne nodded. Quiet descended once again.

“But, y’know…” Wayne trailed off meaningfully. Daryl perked up. “It’s just— Y’know. It’s not how I’d go about it, is all.”

“Goes abouts what?”

“Y'know. Say I had need of all that—the tape and twine and bleach—“

“You tryin’ to tell us something, big brother?”

“Katy,” he warned.

“Wayne,” she parroted back, not even bothering to bite down on her smirk.

He grumbled, but got on with it anyway, “Say I had need of all that—which I wouldn’t—“

“Y’are the toughest guy in Letterkenny,” Dary pointed out.

“That’s just scrappin’.”

“Coulds be it’s a crimes of passions.”

Wayne grumbled again, but pushed on, “Say I had need of all that—which I wouldn't, cause a scrap's a scrap—I wouldn’t just buy it all together.”

“‘Cause that’d be shady.”

“Tom Shady and the New England Shade-triots.”

“Dennis Shade.”

“Darth Shader. And that is not the way to go about disposin' of evidence. Not if you don’t wanna get caught.”

“Ain’t that the truth.”

Nearly a full minute later, Dary opened his mouth.

“Just to be clear,” he said, breaking into the contented silence that had fallen, “it’s if you don’t wanna be caught for murder, right?”

Squirrelly Dan shook his head and Katy sighed. It was Wayne, though, who said, “Wish you weren’t so fuckin’ awkward, bud.”

“Wanna know what I _could_ murder right now? A Puppers. Who wants one?” Katy unfolded herself from her lawn chair and stretched, waiting for the inevitable assents from everyone else.

“I’ll help youse, Miss Katy.”

“Gotta rock one, Squirrelly Dan?”

“Can confirm.”

They disappeared inside, and all was quiet around the farmstand.

“Hey, Wayne?”

“Yeah, Dary?”

“You’d, uh. You'd help me hide a body, right?”

It took a minute for Wayne to answer. When he did, though, it was with all the conviction in the world.

“That is a Texas-sized 10-4, bud.”


End file.
